...Not That There's Anything Wrong With That

Brady Quinn, whom I hate because he playes for the hated Notre Dame Fighting 'Lobes* was recently drafted by the Cleveland Browns in the first round. While some "experts" predicted him as the 3 pick, in actuality he fell into the 20's.

I have my own sinking suspicion as to why that is -and it isn't his pathetic inability to either beat USC or win a bowl game. Nor does it have to do with his laughable first name (Brandy Anderson, where are you?!?!?!).

In an era where potential 1st round picks have their lives delved into and rumors and hearsay masquerade as fact these sort of pictures can be damning.

585blackguys1 586gay 2774haha

.....not that there is anything wrong with that.

In other news, I see you baby!!!!!

Have a great weekend and bet on Cingular Quay and Scat Daddy to win the Derby, and perhaps mix in some Pletcher entries into your boxed exotics -the guy is bound to win one of these days. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you do NOT have a gambling problem.

*- I credit myself for creating the term 'lobe as derogatory way to reference Irish people. It's short for "Michelobe." No disrespect Irish people.

Fuck Rudy/Israel/Republicans

Israel20flag20lalalal As everyone who has ever spoken to me about politics knows, I have no use for Rudy Jewliani. His most recent ridiculous statements (which echo those made by our fearless leader during the run up to the 2004 election) about how there will be another terrorist attack if the Democrats win in 2008 really struck a nerve with me.

I mean, as far as terrorism on US soil goes (and sorry to be blunt here, but we are talking about Muslims Extremists here, so save me your Timothy McVeigh (sp?) comments -as if anyone was going to comment) I would say that you can either reach three conclusions about the present republican administration

a) they looked the other way on 9/11

b) they were too incompetent to prevent 9/11 even though it sure seemed to be preventable given all the "facts"

c) they planned 9/11 and then laughed all the way to the bank

Those aren't such hot options to me -so I really don't know how the democrats could do any worse unless the provide arms to a group of people who later wind up using them against us....oh wait, the republicans already did that.

Also, and this really concerns me. I've been hearing about all the support Jewlie has been getting from "americans" living abroad in "israel" and how these treasonous fucks are planning on flying here and voting for him. It was pointed out that as Mayor of NYC Jewlie was vocally pro-israel.. Why the fuck was the mayor of an american city pro-israel? I mean, it's not like the Australian Prime Minister is pro-Green party -it has nothing to do with his responsibilities.

I've been vocal in my calls for not letting people who hold duel citizenship in America and israel vote because its blatantly obvious that our affiliation with israel has been nothing short of an embarrassing disaster (and, tantamount to supporting terrorism) since the inception of that cursed slice of land. I've also been vocal in calling for Jewlie to be shot and dragged through the streets of NY on the back of a police horse rode by  Abner Louima (is he "repaired" enough to ride a horse?). And I'm on record as wanting another beer.

I can't really think clearly when I think about the ways in which things have gone wrong in our country over the past 6 years. And then when I start thinking about how that piece of shit jewlie ruined my city I really need to go outside and smoke a cigarette and sing "everythings gonna be alright" over and over again while getting a massage. And by massage I mean...I'll let that one go..

here is the article. have a blessed day!!

http://news.aol.com/elections/president/story/_a/giuliani-defends-terror-attack-comments/20070425235809990001?ncid=NWS00010000000001

Georgia -Land Of Progress

Note to Georgia: It's 2006 2007.

AOL sez: "Each year, in spite of integration, the school's white students had raised money for their own unofficial prom and black students did the same to throw their own separate party, an annual ritual that divided the southern Georgia peanut-farming county anew each spring."

Wow this shit is crazy -I thought peanut-farming communities went out with, you know, segregation.

http://news.aol.com/topnews/articles/_a/georgia-school-holds-first-integrated/20070423102809990002?ncid=NWS00010000000001

Less Guns? Nah, More Guns!

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/04/19/commentary.nugent/index.html?eref=rss_topstories

So i read this piece by gun-activist and general lunatic Ted "Chicken Mc" Nuggent where he kinda, sorta misses the whole point about rethinking gun control issues in America and instead provides some anecdotal evidence about a few incidents where someone with a gun (a hero) stopped  someone with a gun (a villan) from killing innocent people. And by stopped -I mean that they shot them. He then spews some misguided hyperbole about how gun-free zones are actually crippling our society -but fails to point out that this is only because people who don't really need guns have them in the first place.

While your average Repbulican would see no problem with this argument (guns save lives!) the inherent logic behind it seems a little flawed to me. My understanding is that if we limit the sale of guns to people who really NEED them -there would be less incidents where the INITIAL shooting occurs. For example if the Virgina Tech shooter was instead the Virginia Tech stabber -the amount of damage he could have done would be severly limited. Because he couldn't just walk into a gun store (or Wal-Mart) show his drivers liscence and walk out with a pistol.

Personally I think if the police have guns, citizens should be able to have guns. I find it ridiculous that in Virginia a "permenant resident" can legally obtain a pistol -whereas in NYC I have a snowballs chance in hell at purchasing one (note -permenant residents can also possess guns legally in NYC-our gun policy is just learning diabled). I know all these thoughts are convoluted and not well thought out (im at work, dammit!). But consider them if/when you happen to discuss this issue in the aftermath of the VTech shooting.

I for one don't see this story going away any time soon.

Weakest Links

Ayo.. here is some assorted shit from the internet that I found either amusing, informative, worthwhile, worthless, offensive or hilarious. Since we are different people, you and I -that is, you may have different reactions. Feel free to holler at me in the comment section, although I realize that when you only post like ten times a year people stop checking for you. My bad! I was drunk!

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=boyd/070416&lpos=spotlight&lid=tab3pos1

Intelligent and well thoughtout (and some would hope "final thought") on the whole Imus-Rutgers-Ho's issue. Did somebody say "ho's"? Let's go to the strip club and make it rain!!

http://newsbloggers.aol.com/2007/04/17/cho-seung-huis-plays/

Some cat that works for AOL was in a playwrighting class with the (alleged) school shooter and posted his plays online. While the violent imagery and theme of pedophelia and absence of a father figure were all striking for the raw way in which they were presented, I personally was appalled by this sentence of dialogue: "Come on, John. Sit down. We need to have [SIC] man-to-man talk." This kid was supposed to be an English major? WARNING SIGNS. Plus I would have thrown a "no homo" after man-to-man. But clearly I possess amazing writing skills. Plus it's just reeeeealy hard to buy a handgun in NYC. What were we talking about again?

http://www.withleather.com/post.phtml?pk=2644

In other news about Asian people doing big (albeit more positive) things in America -here is a write up about the Red Sox Dice-K's last outing. Along with a picture that made MY morning more enjoyable.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/17/world/asia/17manners.html?em&ex=1176955200&en=d9b58e74515ea703&ei=5087%0A

In International news about Asia -China is trying to take steps to ban spitting in Beijing (sp?) before the 2008 Olympics. Me, I'm just glad I've never been to the "anus hospital."

1. I Cant Feel My Face 14-3-3 .775 - 5-3-2 12 10
2. Unanimous Decision 13-4-3 .725 1 6-2-2 13 4
3. team bird 10-7-3 .575 4 4-5-1 8 11
4. Big D Ballers 11-9-0 .550 4.5 7-3-0 7 5
5. Sadr City Yankees 9-7-4 .550 4.5 6-2-2 2 2
6. Got It Cheaper 9-9-2 .500 5.5 3-5-2 9 8
7. The Flushing Toilets 9-9-2 .500 5.5 4-6-0 10 6
8. Please Dont Touch 8-10-2 .450 6.5 6-4-0 14 6
9. IMNOTCHINESE 9-11-0 .450 6.5 4-6-0 4 9
10. Jack Bauer 8-11-1 .425 7 6-4-0 6 7
11. Carcetti 7-10-3 .425 7 2-6-2 1 1
12. The Baghdad Bombers 8-12-0 .400 7.5 3-7-0 11 14
13. Whatchu' Know 6-11-3 .375 8 2-6-2 3 2
14. The Jihadists 5-13-2 .300 9.5 5-4-1 5 4

As you can CLEARLY see from the standings posted above, my fantasy baseball team (I CAN'T FEEL MY FACE) is off to a hot start. Assuming I continue to do well, I'll keep you updated. Because if i know anything I know that people who aren't in my league LOVE to hear about my team and how amazing it is. If AJ Burnett and/or Brett Myers gets their shit together it's a wrap. GOT 'EM!

They Shooooooooooooting

So since I found those Cam'ron diary entries online I've been more motivated (remotivated?) to post on my blog. As ya prolly know by now, some dude shot and killed like 32 people on the VTech campus. Shockingly, neither Michael or Marcus Vick was anywhere near the scene of the crime (did Marcus Vick even go to VTech?) and the shooter was actually some cat named Cho Seung-Hui from South Korea.

Seriously folks, I thought South Korea was the cool one. Y'all know about them giant rabbits they eat in North Korea...bugged son. Bugged.

In the wake of the largest "rampage" shooting in American history, I feel compelled to quote a passage I authored in these very same digital pages after the Amish kids shot up their quaint little one-room schoothouse: 

Why exactly are kids shooting up schools?

I don't know, but when they start shooting up public transportation, then I'll put on my thinking cap and go to work on the problem. The moral of the story is, if you don't want to get shot, you probably shouldn't go to school. Or Iraq.

The Truant Officer > Harris and Klebold.

Some people will be quick to blame our countries "bucka-bucka-BLAU!" policy on guns (I remember reading that the shooter had a receipt for the Glock 9mm in his backpack...wait....he did this shit with a fucking handgun?? who was working security on this campus, the Iraqi police??) not to mention, rap music, immigration, Guiliani and video games -but I blame our educational system.

I don't plan on justifying myself though.

Desperate (sp?) my cock and balls

    Yo. so through no real fault of my own i caught a couple of minutes of this nonsense retard shit. It's the worst. Next time you talk to a girl who is too dumb for words, blame shows like these. Fucking sickening. Hows that for coherent thought?

Why aren't the Yankees scoring runs? What's going on with A-Rod? Shit is pretty nuts, and one can't help but wonder if the chorus of naysaying shoulddies....I'm just gonna stop that thought right there and rest on the amazing writing that brings through phrases like "nay-saying shoulddies." Kids -this is writing.

It's fucking raining. It always rains. Grow up. Weather channel my cocknballs.

Best Wingers Express is the shit. If you are in or around Murray Hill it would be in your best interest to visit this spot. The Chicken (capitalized to show reverence) is very good. From a taste perspective. Don't be stupid, stupid. Get up on it.

My BEEEEEERFDAAAAAAY: MAY 11TH pussycat lounge.... downtown... feat: flim flam bmore fam n lu........rreals. Thats wasssup..

Feel me?

"Been so long...."

Remember "Shake it fast" or "Shake your ass" that Mystikal song. Where it goes "been so looo-oooong."

Yeah, Mystikal got locked for raping his haridresser.

Here are some funny images. For your viewing pleasure.

I have a lot more to say, so find me and talk to me.

www.chronikill.com www.myspace.com/chronikill -new shows and naked celebrities.

Campage1jpg Campage2

Campage3jpg

LONG TIME

Yo.

I know I havent posted in a minute so, merry christmas and happy new years. I been chilling, literally. it's mad cold. And the cold weather is a sure sign that you will be sharing a train car with a crazed homeless person next time you use public transportation to get home from your night time activity of choice.

Last night, while picking up some $$$ the booking agency owed me from the show we KILLED at Southpaw last week (thanks if you came through, new album out Labor Day, assuming labor day is in the fall) I was confronted by an aparently homeless lunatic on the west side near the deuce (thats 42nd street for all you clowns). He was standing in the middle of the sidewalk screaming to no one in particular that we were (people) "created in gods image, but we are not god." Occasionally he would interject "you feel me" or "see what I'm saying." I guess even crazy people realize the effectiveness of urban slang on young people.

So theres that. My heart really goes out to homeless people in the winter. Then again, I guess when you are homeless the summer isn't filled with baseball games and outdoor drinking  beaches.

I still plan to take my blogging game to the next level and get off Friendster and onto some realer forum, but barring that happening in the near future, I'll try and drop my trademark brand of intelligent knowledge on your collective heads a bit more frequently. I'll also try and post a paper I wrote in college about why New Orleans (central city albeit) is such a shithole. Mind you I wrote this paper pre-Katrina. Trying and doing aren't the same thing, mind you.

Oh, shout out the Saints for a great season. I'm rooting for the Bears in the Super Bowl, because I like the Bears more than the Colts. I'm logical like that.

I had a lot of other things to say, by instead Im going to smoke a cigarette.

-james

Killer Cops And Tangents Galore!

....and the unseasonable warmth shall soothe your soul, son.

Hey y'all. Sorry, I was just talking to a patient.

Y'all ever do that shit?

Sometimes when someone is calling me, I'll deliberately be in the middle of saying some provocative shit like "..and she broke the glass over your head just like that?? On the plane??....Hello, James speaking." It's pretty funny the depths we (I) will sink to in our (my) never ending quest to amuse ourselves.

Rolling down the river, if I may...

Thanks to all the heads who rolled through on Saturday night to Desmond's Tavern and packed the place. I really appreciate the support and you guys came out and supported. We are collectively thankful for having good friends and/or fans who appreciate what we do -really, thank you guys. While that was the last show of 2006 (barring unforeseen fame), please stay tuned for more info on us playing bigger and better venues in 2007 (wow that feels scary to write). Like somewhere in between Satelite and MSG.

Also, we are hard at work on our new album (possible titles include "Yeah, Nah", "....And Now This?" and "Number 2.") due out on July 4th. We should have a video for the lead single "Drinking On A Tuesday" at least a couple of months in advance of that though. It should be quite labor-intensive and serious in the Chronikill studio over the next few months. On the other hand, sometimes we just get reeeeeeeeealy high and record ourselves making silly noises.

--

As the holiday season approaches, I've been bombarded with a number of commercials for Kay (Kaye?) Jewelers who remind us that "every kiss begins with kay (kaye?)." Nice sentiment.

Don't mind me for founding Bee Jewelers and using the slogan "every blowjob begins with bee."

--

In the wake of the tragic shooting of a 23-yr old groom to be in Queens, isn't it refreshing that the Benetton-esque ethnic composition of the offending officers may, for once, allow all citizens who see their rights trampled by our cities killer cops on a daily basis to band together under the same umbrella. Usually the larger issues at hand (the haves vs. the have-nots, the prison industrial complex, mandatory minimums, I could fucking go on and on and on) are lost as the public foolishly falls into the tired white/black argument instead of focusing on trying to make a change. Unified against the police, we have the power to demand a change to the "blue wall of silence" culture that has existed for too long in the NYPD. Divided we have a bunch of confused angry people sharing anecdotal evidence.

--

I'mma be in Philadelphia for at least part of this weekend, attending this boxing match with a couple of the homies. I wrote a scathing expose on Philadelphia roughly 15 months ago and I'm sure (in the tradition of my observations being both absolute and timeless) it is still accurate. My plan is to make a huge drunken fuss of myself with Yard Ale and then eat mad cheese steaks.

--

I recently read "Animal Farm." I don't know why I hadn't read it before, but it was real good. Like you would expect a classic to be. How is that for descriptive. I tried to reread 1984, and it annoyed the hell out of me, however I found Animal Farm to be refreshing in it's simple "quick read" nature. My only complaint is that I find it unrealistic that animals can talk to each other.

I'm almost done with "On The Road" another classic that I never read for reasons unknown. I enjoying that book as well, although I have a couple of issues with the dialog and slang of the day. If I was there, those kids would have stepped up their talking game big time. It was also amusing to read that famous quote about hanging out with mad people and roman candles and whatnot. Half the people that would like to think that quote has some deep relevance to their unique outlook on life are the types who have never even broke night and are probably shook to go out past 8 on a week night. I'm just saying, the term "mad" is mad relative, I suppose.

--

There were a couple of other things I wanted to mention, but my memory fails me. Have an issue you want me to write about, holler at me in the comments. Hope all is well with you kiddies, I'll catch you in the streets.

Trees, Hookers And No Burqas - A Play By The Netherlands

I don't usually even post daily on my blog, so you are lucky today that something else caught my attention after my self-promotional posting earlier.

I've been to Amersterdam twice. I enjoyed myself much more the second time, when I stayed in a cleaner area -but Amsterdam is at the forefront of allowing degenerate shit to happen right under its nose. Amsterdam is basically filled with the type of dudes who own porno stores in the city (think perverted looking middle-eastern dudes) who will run up on you, with no regard for your personal space, screaming "cocaine, ecstacy."

It is also very true that for a nominal fee, you can have intercourse with a woman of the night -legally- in the red light distict. While I didn't engage in either "cocaine, ecstacy" or any postitutes, the line between legal and illict behaviour in Amesterdam is a fairly thin one.

I mention all of this because I recently came across this article on Yahoo! about how the Dutch government is trying to ban burkas -which is kinda like the "wardrobe as a cage/cage as a wardrobe" worn by some Muslim women. While I fell that is such a fairly reasonable idea (I'm no champion of womans rights -although I did once get a blowjob from Susan B. Anthony on the G train) mainly because I'm sick of Muslim dudes preventing me from oggling their women by keepin them wrapped up in (to borrow a term) bee-keeper suits and out of sight. It can also be said that middle-eastern and Indian girls are the new Asian girls. Sorry Asain girls, you had a nice run as "exotic du jour" but it's over.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20061117/ap_on_re_eu/netherlands_burqa_ban

By the same token, it does seem pretty crazy that the Netherlands is the country at the forefront of this movement. The Netherlands, or at least Amesterdam, is a pretty "free" place -in the sense that you can pretty much do whatever you want and no one will stop you or even gawk at you. For other reasons, there has been some backlash by the Muslim organizations in the area, who cite religious freedom- and they do have a point.

By the same token, I think Muslims have kinda overstayed their welcome in the civilized world. Mind you, "normal" Muslims really haven't done anything wrong and I'm sure a great deal of them have assimilated into the larer civilized socities that they were allowed to immigrate to. Those are "muslims" in the sense that I am "catholic." By the same token, when the thing most associated with your religion is a cry of "allah" and then a large explosion, perhaps it is time to launch your own publicity campaign citing the positive aspects of said religion. For example, Halal meat. Tasty AND peaceful!!

I dunno. Religion is pretty gay - no disrespect to God or homosexuals.

^ Good writing.

Relative Fame

My rap group, Chronikill was recently mentioned in an article about Roosevelt Island printed in "The Wire" -a Roosevelt Island newspaper. It is worth noting that Roosevelt Island arrested me almost 6 months before the article was printed. I suppose this may be their way of making amends.

Here is the link: http://nyc10044.com/wire/2703/Blogosphere.html

Also, we will be playing our last show of 2006 on Saturday November 25th at 10:30PM. Included below is a flier, which can save you $2 if you print it and show it at the door. Soon we will go back to doing free/cheap shows, but just bear with us for a minute. The drugs studio time doesn't pay for itself. Desmonds Tavern, the venue, is centrally located and features bathrooms and chairs.

If you haven't been to our real/fake website on myspace, you should check it out. We have a couple of songs as well as live video clips for songs we haven't recorded yet. It's like going to one of our shows for free!

Oh, and I lied about the flier. Our real website is down at the moment (thank you to everyone that emailed me, I am aware of the problem and "I" am on it.) so, stay tuned for another post or an email heads up before the show. Should be a great time, mad people in town for the Holiday Weekend. Festive atmosphere and hip-hop. Life in a nutshell. Here are the details though.

I lied again, our website is working and I found the flier:

Flyer112520copy

Thanksgiving Reunion Show

CHRONIKILL and FRIENDS

SATURDAY 11/25 10:30pm

DESMONDS Tavern (park ave. sotuh b/w 29th and 30th Street)

-Plymouth ROX

i dont do much

while sitting at the job spot allowing my talents to erode, it occured to me that i am getting older i'm not as young as i once was. i dont really spend that much time wishing i was on some seize that day shit, but it did occur to me that most of the things i regret in my life were things i didnt do as oppossed to shit i did do. i pretty much feel as though most things are worth doing once (no homo) and i generally think that if (activity) is wack, well so be it. ain't nobody going to make you do it again. anyway, rather than continue to bore you (in some cases, to death) with the lowercase no apostrophe stylings of a gully muh'fucka (people dont say gully anymore huh? i suppose in some circles they never said it. word to me not being as young as i once was.) on a thirsty tuesday i will hit you with a list of things i'd like to accomplish. some of them are long term. like spanning decades. you have goals?

yeah, i bet you do.

1-learning to drive. it doesnt bother me that i dont know how to drive, it bothers me that if i was to hop in a whip and start driving, i would prolly get popped for not having a license. i cant even really spell license with any confidence. last time i drove a car, i crashed (ever so gently) into my boy AGs crib while he was asleep (full disclosure, it was his car) while at the height of intoxication. i remember whipping it around uptown new orleans with no lights on and no clue how to turn the lights on. ahhh, memories.

2-smoke a blunt while looking at remnants of the roman acqueduct (it is roman, no?) around nice,france. i got love for france, even if its not the popular thing to do these days. i remember vividly this flick in an art book (im assuming this was hs as most of my post-hs memories of education are hazy, at best) of the acqueduct and I guess a forest or some shit (in retrospect, i may have been a bit liberal with my usage of 'vividly') and it had a look of being untouched since the acqueduct was built. in a strange way it made me reflect on human advances in the face of nature and how, eventually, empires crumble, their armies disband but nature is unrelenting. it seemed like i could do some real deep thinking there and that i could urinate freely without fear of reprecussion. alas, in my youthful ignorance i neglected to rip the page out of the book so this goal may require some research. thank god for the internet.

3-be buried in a pyramid. ideally of solid gold. a monument to the man. i'd like it to be in NYC, but as long as it is in America, thats cool. i imagine i would need some sort of way of keeping it clean and nice, but i'll leave that to my (unborn) children. i can imagine it now.

young woman: hey you, what do you do?

my son: i keep my fathers pyramid clean and free of birdshit.

young woman: shall we have casual relations?

my son: (in r.kelly voice) now usually I don't do this but......(cue "ignition (remix))

4-ive never been iceskating at wolman rink in central park. i havent even ice skated in years, but i always enjoyed it. this is a lot more doable than the first 3, but alas, it would be without the sense of accomplishment if i do check it off the invisible to do list.

5-have kids. that i know about. ha!

6-i really want to pee in the indian ocean. i will than purchase myself a t-shirt that says "i peed in the indian ocean."

7-continue to amuse myself. although my motto is "unamused and unimpressed" (my other motto is "god-like, not god") i tend to amuse, if not ever impress, myself. i'm just the man like that.

AUTHORS NOTE: the title of this post is an allusion to the Beanie Siegel song of the same name. in it he says "y'all don't do much. sit on the block and look dumb." or something to that effect. just keep that in mind next time ya sitting on the block looking dumb.

Some Assorted Shit From The Internets

Are you a tease or a tramp? Nothing says mindless fun like the 9/11 quiz! http://nomoregames.net/911_quiz/911_quiz.htm

Jay-Z and Russel Simmons team up to combat anti-semitism. Really! http://www.allhiphop.com/hiphopnews/?ID=6387

South Ossetia votes to become independent from Georgia. Which Georgia? Click to find out! http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20061113/ts_afp/georgiaossetiarussiavote_061113163056

If you hate the taste of water, you may have mental problems. Then again.... http://www.nypost.com/seven/11132006/gossip/pagesix/hunger_pangs_pagesix_.htm

.....And you wonder why I'm not married yet?? (from overheardinnewyork)

The First Arm's Easy, the Second One's a Real Problem

Long Island JAP #1: Are all New York City girls drug-addict whores?
Long Island JAP #2: Yeah, but so are girls from Long Island. There's really no difference.
Random Upper East Side JAP: Oh my god, can I just interject for a second here? Long Island girls and New York City girls are not the same thing. It is not okay to wear Tommy Hilfiger sweatshirts, and we're all addicted to drugs because we don't have gross Long Island weed and coke that is ninety-nine percent baking soda. And we're whores because we're like a thousand times hotter than you'll ever be, even when we're not wearing makeup. Plus, I don't tawk like this.
Long Island JAP #1: Wow, that was, like, seriously uncalled for.
Upper East Side JAP: Yeah well, I'd rather cut off my own arms than live in Long Island. Also, I'm just high, so don't really pay attention to me.

--Serafina, Upper East Side

Well, that's me, amusing you for 10 minutes. Which is substantially more than YOU have ever done for me. A little gratitude would be nice every once and again. Now I'm going to use the bathroom and smoke a cigarette, as my work doesn't do itself. So there.

E-Mails (no mark foley)

So, I figured after I publish a few books of my memoirs, I will probably get around to compiling a bunch of gems from my personal, private correspondence. "I'mma drop the book and then chase it with the documentary" -Jadakiss.

Here is some super-secret email correspondence between me and one of my friends in "the industry" as us hip types call New York City. My friend published a photograph of superhuman Barry Sanders and below it linked to a song from an Australian band called "Faux Pas" (check them out!). I commented on his blog that "Barry Sanders was the best that ever did it. Faux Pas is no Barry Sanders." And then I recieved this email.

My Friend Writes: he's a reader that sent his stuff in to us. we get a lot of that, but i actually like this guy's music. i think it's funny you insulted him
right away.

I Respond:

Would it have been less funny if I waited until, say next week? BTW, I didn't insult him/her. I said that Barry sanders was "the best that ever did it" and Faux Pas was "no Barry sanders" -I would hardly imply that saying something isn't "the best ever" is a diss. One might also say that comparing football players to musicians is apples and oranges. Is Barry Sanders in Faux Pas? You know that they play Rugby in footballs stead in Australia, right? Scarlet Johansen isn't even the sexiest woman in the world. And Italy knocked Australia out of the World Cup. All facts, no conjecture.
Me: I think Nas is the best ever.
You: I think blowjobs are better than Nas.
Nas: (appearing from off-camera) Why the fuck you dissing me, son? (repeated shots fired)
I mean, would you say that Faux Pas is better at music than Barry Sanders was at football? In this hyper-masculine world of the Internet, will these faceless Aussies view everything other than being considered better than an (African-American) football player as an insult? It's more than a bit racist, if you ask me.
Why are they so sensitive? Who does their makeup? Has Australia even reached modernity yet? I didn't think so. If I was them, I'd have an industrial revolution, free the slaves, save the world twice (thrice if you count IRAQ) and only THEN start picking fights with the superstars of the worlds only superpower.
If I said Jesus was better at being nailed to a cross than you were at blogging, a man secure in his skin would take that I had a deep reverence for Jesus cross-nailed to skills...Whereas an insecure person would take it as an affront to their writing skills. If you'd like to continue this discussion of dialectic-dualism, I'm more than willing -however I fear my doctoral knowledge of the subject will prevail with ease.
Also. How bullshit is it that I finished 4th and didn't even get mentioned? Maaaaad bullshit.
I think I just wrote your next post.
Also to consider: Was "The Best of Both Worlds" an ode to transsexuals?
---------------------
Look for more in my forthcoming book "The Realest Shit I Ever Wrote."

Halloween: An Affront To God

Halloween is an affront to God. One or two f's? A felony is an F. How you gonna dress up like you ain't proud of who you are? How you gonna win if you ain't right within? I said, how you gonna win if you ain't right within?

It's cool for girls and kids aged 12 and under to dress up...No disrespect, I had mad fun with halloween when I was young. But like breast-feeding and going to elementary school, Halloween is the sort of shit men should grow out of. I would love it (to touch upon an issue I raised some time ago) if they did a Milwalkeees Best Light commercial where the giant can came from the sky killed some dude dressed up as "batman" or whatever is popping off these days. Theeeeeeese days.

But on the real.... if I see another dude wearing a dress or pretending to be some other shit he isn't, I may just OD and get at his grill with an ox. It's all fun and games to play dress up until some angry alcoholic (me) slices your face to ribbons because they feel you are having too much fun and your carefree attitude goes against everything they believe in -mainly people not walking around smiling and laughing and pretending to be bitch-made, land of make believe charachters from some movie I ain't even see. I don't know you dude.

I mean, uh... Trick or Treat.

Razors in apples in 2006.

"It wasn't even close to Halloween"

Stop Biting My Shit

Good day all.

In my amazing life of wonder and amazingness I have very few obstacles to overcome. Life has been very good to me and for that I am thankful. However, traipsing through life surrounded by beautiful women hasn't been without the occasional instance of people misappropriating my style and claiming it for their own.

There have been numerous glaring instances of this recently, so many that I can't even remember them all at press time. I will now bring two of them to light

You may have remembered my springtime campaign of asking people if they had read the latest issue of GQ. After they said "no" I would inform them that GQ said that "pale and skinny is the new tan and diesel." Just the other day I (well someone else saw it and told me) saw someone wearing a T-shirt that said "pale is the new tan." I have received nary a royalty check or a thank-you note from the faceless hipster who stole my idea and claimed it as his own. Thats some wack bullshit.

Also, while the homie cyph was at the movies with his lady friend watching "Man Of The Year" there was apparently a scene where they talk about and make fun of the idea of having "coffee with kofi annan." This is something that has been mentioned in this very blog before and had previously been recorded as a skit for the now chronikill album. Don't believe me? Check my post on Feb. 8th 2006 entitled "Jesus Christ, Action Figure." You'll see the line "And on that note Alito, I'll be back for part three of three in my "religion is the bane of our collective existence" series at a later date. Until then, you can say this little prayer I wrote post-Katrina to make me feel more upbeat about the horrors or the world: "We're drinking coffee with Kofi Annan/ Where have the Mardi Gras Indians gone.....of the tiger!/"

Clearly this is a blatant rip-off and I'm not happy about it. So next time you imagine me drinking Tropical Fantasy (fitty cent sodas in the hood they going crazy) in the Tropic of Cancer, just realize that the resort I'm staying at is probably owned by a jealous hater who got rich stealing my ideas.

I'm done for the week.

Come out to see Chronikill this Saturday night at 10pm at Desmonds Tavern on 29th Street and Park Ave. It will be awesome. I mean, I'll be there. Sheeeeeeet.

If you are new to my blog or just wonder how to get to all the old posts, here is a classic where I propose that they create an Americatown bus in China. Watch, this shit will be invented by next weekend..

http://funfactsabouttheworld.blogs.friendster.com/fun_facts_about_the_world/2006/02/the_americatown.html

My Councilman Is Stalking Me

Hey y'all!

I've been distracted by football and alcohol recently and I haven't been able to post as much as I wanted. If you want to buy me a laptop and fast Internet, I would be able to post more frequently. If you want to steal those things and give them to me, thats cool too. As A Buddhist, I feel as though all property is transitive anyway. Just don't go repeating that line to the cops.

Anyway, in between training for the 2010 Olympics and teaching kids to read, I found some time today to check my email. Actually, checking my email was part of one of a lesson I employ while teaching kids to read, entitled "reading: there is shit to read on the computer" aka lesson number 21. It could be said that I'm burning herb way ahead of the learning curve. Anyway, after reading my email aloud to Johnny and Ali Ali Oner, they raised some interesting questions about email, the job description of a councilman and why sex is constantly confused for love. They are some smart little motherfucks, that Johnny and Ali Ali Oner.

Here is the actual email I received from Eric "E-Guns" Gioia, who is actually my Councilman. I even voted for him after/because he broke campaign law by handing out material directly outside of the polling station and shaking my hand, a fact that I could have used to get him thrown off the ballot. In retrospect, if I had more time it would have been pretty funny to have done that. I digress.

Don't forget to join us at Latitude, just a block from Times Square, TOMORROW NIGHT at 7PM for the 1st Annual Halloween Party with Eric Gioia!

You don't need a costume, but dress as festive as you want!   All the details for the event are below:

Eric Gioia's 1st Annual Halloween Party at Latitude (8th Ave. btw 47th & 48th), 10/24, 7pm

To give everyone a real opportunity to get involved, we're asking people to give whatever they can -- even if it's only $10.  Please spread the word to friends, family, and co-workers, and if you are planning to attend, please click on the invite above to RSVP and buy your tickets online, so you don't get stuck waiting at the door.  You can also RSVP at http://www.ericgioia.com/, at 718.426.5012, or by emailing us at teamgioia@ericgioia.com.

Thanks again for all your support, and we look forward to seeing you at Latitude (8th Ave. between 47th & 48th St.), TOMORROW NIGHT at 7pm!

Team Gioia

-------------------------------

So after reading the email aloud to the aforementioned Johnny and Ali Ali Oner, I asked them to respond and react to the contents of said email. Below is as close to a transcript of our conversation as I could muster. These conversations don't transcribe themselves, you know.

Johnny: Why is the Halloween party a week before Halloween?

Me: I don't know.

Johnny: Are you going to dress up?

Me: I'm not going to this wack shit. Besides, I'm a bit old to dress up.

Ali Ali Oner: My brother is your age and he dresses up.

Me: Your brother is probably a fucking herb.

Johnny and Ali Ali Oner: Oooooooooh.

Me: Sorry. Is there anything else you want to ask me about the email?

Johnny: If Eric Gioia is a councilman in Queens, why is he having this party in Manhattan?

Ali Ali Oner: Yeah!

Me: I don't know. All I know about Eric Gioia is that if he keeps sending me these unsolicited emails I may file a restraining order against him.

Ali Ali Oner: You should be a councilman.

Me: One day, Ali Ali Oner......One day.

At this point me, Johnny and Ali Ali Oner broke into a spontaneous rendition of "Oooh Child" as red, white and blue balloons fell from the ceiling. Off camera, Eric Gioia was regretting the day he got me angry and lamenting his inevitable defeat when I run against him. Because I always said, if you can't run up on 'em, you can always run against them.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

RIP CORY LIDLE

Crazy. As reported by espn.com. RIP.

NEW YORK -- A small plane piloted by New York Yankees pitcher Cory Lidle crashed into a 50-story condominium tower Wednesday on Manhattan's Upper East Side, killing at least four people, authorities said.

Lidle died in the crash.

The twin-engine plane came through a hazy, cloudy sky and hit the 20th floor of The Belaire -- a red-brick tower overlooking the East River, about five miles from the World Trade Center -- with a loud bang, touching off a raging fire that cast a pillar of black smoke over the city and sent flames shooting from four windows on two adjoining floors.

Large crowds gathered in the street in the largely wealthy New York neighborhood, with many people in tears and some trying to reach loved ones by cell phone.

"I was worried the building would explode, so I got out of there fast," said Lori Claymont, who fled an adjoining building in sweatpants.

Young May Cha, a 23-year-old Cornell University medical student, said she was walking back from the grocery store down 72nd Street when she saw an object out of the corner of her eye.

"I just saw something come across the sky and crash into that building," she said. Cha said there appeared to be smoke coming from behind the aircraft, and "it looked like it was flying erraticaly for the short time that I saw it."

"The explosion was very small. I was not threatened for my life," she added.

Richard Drutman, a professional photographer who lives on the 11th floor, said he was talking on the telephone when he felt the building shake.

"There was a huge explosion. I looked out my window and saw what appeared to be pieces of wings, on fire, falling from the sky," Drutman said. He and his girlfriend quickly evacuated the building.

The plane left New Jersey's Teterboro Airport, just across the Hudson River from the city, at 2:30 p.m., about 15 minutes before the crash, according to officials at the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey, which operates the airport. But they said they did not where the aircraft was headed.

FAA spokeswoman Diane Spitaliere said the plane was apparently not in contact with air traffic controllers; pilots flying small planes by sight are not required to be in contact.

The National Transportation Safety Board sent a team to investigate.

Former NTSB director Jim Hall said in a telephone interview he doesn't understand how a plane could get so close to a New York City building after Sept. 11.

"We're under a high alert and you would assume that if something like this happened, people would have known about it before it occurred, not after," Hall said.

Mystery writer Carol Higgins Clark, daughter of author Mary Higgins Clark, lives on the 38th floor and was coming home in a cab when she saw the smoke.

"Thank goodness I wasn't at my apartment writing at the time," she said. She described the building's residents as a mix of actors, doctors, lawyers, writers and people with second homes.

Sgt. Claudette Hutchinson, a spokeswoman for the North American Aerospace Defense Command in Colorado Springs, Colo., said fighter jets "are airborne over numerous U.S. cities and while every indication is that this is an accident, we see this as a prudent measure at this time."

However, all three New York City-area airports continued to operate normally, Federal Aviation Administration spokesman Jim Peters said. In Washington, White House spokesman Tony Fratto said neither President Bush nor Vice President Dick Cheney was moved to secure locations.

"All indications are that is an unfortunate accident," said Yolanda Clark, a spokeswoman for Homeland Security's Transportation Security Administration. She said there was "no specific or credible intelligence suggesting an imminent threat to the homeland, at this time."

The crash struck fear in a city devastated by the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001. Sirens echoed across the neighborhood as about 170 firefighters rushed in along with emergency workers and ambulances. Broken glass and debris were strewn around the neighborhood.

"There's a sense of helplessness," said Sandy Teller, watching from his apartment a block away. "Cots and gurneys, waiting. It's a mess."

The tower was built in the late 1980s and is situated near Sotheby's auction house. It has 183 apartments, many of which sell for more than $1 million.

Several lower floors are occupied by doctors and administrative offices, as well as guest facilities for family members of patients at the Hospital for Special Surgery, hospital spokeswoman Phyllis Fisher said.

No patients were in the high-rise building and operations at the hospital a block away were not affected, Fisher said.

The Confederate Problem In The Middle East

Seconds earlier, while logging into yahoo! sports to see if the homie Sosa was willing to part with Randy Moss and/or Donovan McNabb I happened to notice that there was an article about the prevalence of confederate flags flying at NASCAR and how they may be having a negative effect on the image of NASCAR.

Not shocking.

The article went on to say how some people in more, how can I put this diplomatically, evolved, literate, cultured, indoor plumbing having,  civilized areas in the country viewed the flag as a symbol of oppression and racism. Whereas to the Southern fans who sit in the infield, the sight of the "Stars and Bars" is as natural as a Klan rally or Dad railing Sis on the living room couch.

I'm not a fan of NASCAR or the Confederate Flag, but I have to wonder why the scope of the argument wasn't a bit wider. In these trying times facing our country, it has pretty much been proved by men who have more time and money than me that if you own a car and you live in America you are basically a domestic terrorist and you should probably kill yourself before you unwitting funnel anymore of your pathetic wages into the hands of madmen. How can you possibly justify buying oil and or gas from those unstable regimes in the Middle East (or Murray Hill, as I call it) and Venezuela?

You can't.

I don't give a fuck if you fill up your Jetta at some spot run by a fancy-ass subsidiary of a shadow corporation with a nice American name (British Petroleum comes to mind): you may as well be writing a check to Al-Qaeda with "fuck America" in the memo, shit for brains.

So I propose we leave this NASCAR argument to Billy Ray and Bobby Ted and focus on the real problem here: people who own cars.

I mean, if you live in a city where having a car is a way of life, maybe it's time that you ran a bath and took a walk. And by walk I mean "down the wrist" with a razor blade.

And to think some of you granola eating pussies who claim to care about the environment have the nerve to put stickers like "Ooh, I care about the environment" on your fucking cars while supporting terrorist groups who want nothing more than to nuke America. And nuclear weapons don't care about the environment. Put that in your circle and drum it.

Real Americans like me got kicked out of drivers ed and haven't even been in a car since, roughly, 1998. So there, you fucking communist, jihadist, fake American, traitors.

ROX, 1 - You and Your Terrorist Friends, 0

Prudence, Dear

While hard at work at work, I occasionally take some time out to fugg around on the internet, as you may have noted while reading my blog posts. I am a fan of www.slate.com, which generally has at least one article worth reading. Most recently they had a discussion about The Wire -which is an excellent show as many (or at least 2) of you had pointed out to me before I relented, relentless bastard that I am.

Anyway, today (like 2 minutes ago actually) I was fugging around on Slate and a column caught my attention. Since I have a side career writing as "The Ethicist" in the NYTimes Magazine, I'm always interested in other opinion/advise based columns. So here it is, in all it's glory. No Pedo!

Dear Prudie,
My boyfriend and I have been together for five years and have lived together for two of those years. We are in our 20s. The other night I was using his computer (mine is away for repairs) to look at some pictures from a recent family trip and had to eject a CD of his. When I reinserted it, the contents were displayed on the screen. I was only a little surprised when the contents turned out to be pornography, as I know that he's a guy and enjoys it occasionally (although probably more than I would like), and we use it together at times. But when I looked more closely at the titles of the pictures and video clips, I realized many had to do with child pornography. I opened them, thinking they may just be labeled wrong, but they weren't. Quite a few of them involved young (approximately 6 to 10 years old) girls. It made me physically ill to think that my boyfriend might be looking at these. I suppose it's possible a friend gave it to him and he didn't know what was on it. My dilemma is, how do I ask him about this without making it seem like I was snooping through his stuff? I really do try to be careful that I don't invade his privacy when I use his computer, as I know that would bother him.

—Confused and Worried

Man, if you looked through my shit you would find some pornography, but none of it would be child porn (or gay porn, or animal porn for that matter). How could a chick honestly stay with some dude after she found child porn on his computer. She didn't even consider breaking up with him for Godsake, this was a question asking if it was okay to bring it up! I mean, wouldn't she live in constant fear that her current boyfriend would molest your future daughter. Jesus!

Anyway, here is the response, with some lies I added in.

Dear Confused,
Your more pressing dilemma is what to do about the gravity of what you found -small fortunes are made in the child pornography industry. Yes, you should ask him about it, but first you should duplicate the CD. You wonder if possibly the CD could have been borrowed from a friend and your boyfriend didn't know what was on it, who care? Let's say he offers this as an explanation. No, it isn't plausible, is it? The chances are minuscule that this situation is anything other than what it appears: Your porn-loving boyfriend is a pedophile. This is horrifying, but think how lucky you are that you found out before you married him and had children, them fuckers coulda got touched! But there's more to this situation than your walking away. Your boyfriend is
committing a felony, and he is sick -sick like a fox with the flu. I talked to Joseph P., public education director at Stop It Now, who points out that viewing child pornography is not a victimless crime—children are being sexually abused for the satisfaction of people like your boyfriend. Pollard adds that while viewers of child pornography don't necessarily end up molesting children themselves, it is a warning sign. Your boyfriend must address his problem and seek treatment for his alcoholism. At the risk of sounding melodramatic, were you jealous of the small children your boyfriend chose over you? Are you fat? Did he really even have a choice? You may tell him in the most caring way possible that you understand and you're sorry. On the other hand, you are confronting him with the fact that you know he's a pervert and a felon, and he may not be so grateful. For the same reason, when you get your stuff, have someone—large and male would be good, NO HOMO—accompany you.

—Prudie

Why Can't We Be Friends?

After all the angry emails I've received from women, Hasidic Jews and the Amish (who knew they were allowed to use computers!) in the past few days, I figured I would offer and olive branch and make fun of something no one likes: me! (and later on, China)

Yesterday, while I was coughing hard in a garage on Roosevelt Island, an elderly man walked past me and said, without a trace of humor in his voice, "that's the death rattle." Needless to say this didn't make me feel to good, so I promptly went off to partake in piff and drink two 40's. I also had some Mexican food, which is neither here nor there.

I also managed to get mildly sunburned yesterday while at the Yankees game, by which I mean "sick." Who the fuck gets sun-burned in October? Real pale white kids, that's who.

Also, while getting on the downtown 4 train, some old lady called me "an animal" presumably because she felt as though I pushed in front of her to get on the train, which wasn't really the case. I had wanted to wait until she got off the train and say "Now who's the animal," but I decided that would be immature. By which I mean I got off the train first.

In other news, China is still off it's collective rocker.

As such:

BEIJING (Reuters) - China marked Friday's Moon Festival by announcing 30 songs to be broadcast to Earth next year from its first lunar-probing satellite.

Residents flock to get free gifts during a promotional event at a park in Wuhan, central China's Hubei province, October 6, 2006. (Stringer/Reuters)The song that got the most votes was the folk ballad, "My Wonderful Home Town," followed by "I Love China," "Singing Praises of Motherland" and 27 others, Xinhua news agency said.

The songs were chosen according to public votes and by a panel of experts, organized by the Commission of Science, Technology and Industry for National Defense, China Central Television and the China Musicians' Association.

"Experts said these songs can express Chinese people's love for the motherland, for life, peace and their pursuit of truth and nature, which will showcase the beauty of Chinese culture and its influence," Xinhua said.

China's national anthem and "The East is Red," a tribute to Mao Zedong, which was broadcast in 1970 from the country's first man-made terrestrial satellite, will also be played.

The lunar satellite is designed to obtain 3D images of the lunar surface, analyze elements and probe the depth of the lunar soil. It will orbit the moon for one year.

Last October, two Chinese astronauts rocketed into orbit and promptly helped themselves to pineapple-filled mooncakes, traditional fare during the Mid-Autumn, or Moon, Festival.

China puts its first man in orbit in 2003."

Pure lunacy. No mooncake. Ha!

Wikipedia Wednesdays

Hello people. As you may or may not know, wikipedia.com is an online encylocpedia that allows its readers to ediyt entries. It recently got some burn on The Colbert Report, which has its fair share of hysterical moments. Although personally, I still find his in-studio interview technique to be a bit grating. I am known to be a hater though.

As we were saying before we were rudely interupted, I recently re-discovered how hilarious some of the entries on wikipedia can be -no doubt because they allow their readers to do the editing.

Here are some funny entries I've found, or been emailed.

" A kufi is a short rounded cap, traditionally worn by Muslims, although within the US it has become more commonly identified with persons of African descent, who wear it to show pride in their history and their religion.
Recently, there has been an opposition to some individuals who wear kufis. Those who oppose these individuals assert to be "kufi smackers." The impetus of the kufi smacking movement was the Harlem based rap group, The Diplomats. One member, Freekey Zeekey, has claimed to be the "number-one kufi smacker." Zeekey, as well as other members of The Diplomats, often make reference to kufi smacking with such lyrics as "mama said I'm love sick, over this hot ass hoochie, first seen her when I told Nas, I'd slap off his kufi." The group also often makes reference to a supposed "kufi list." Those on the "kufi list" (whether a tangible list exists is unknown) are often disrespected in The Diplomats rhymes, and are the first in line to be kufi smacked. "

"In June of 2004, DMX and a friend were arrested in the parking lot of Kennedy Airport in New York for allegedly attempting to steal a car and impersonating a federal agent. Police questioned Simmons, who claimed to be a "special agent." However, agents were aware of his status as an entertainer and not an agent"

" [Jadakiss] is known for his ongoing tendency to draw similarities between the color of his vehicles and random objects, such as dandruff ("Made You Look" remix), pink lemonade ("Sexy"), pecans ("Why"), hot sauce ("Hot Sauce To Go"), Pepsi Blue ("Time's Up"), eggnog ("Carry Your Casket"), milk ("Calmate (Calm Down)") and Heineken beer bottles ("Bring You Down")."

" R. Kelly will release his next album Making Babies sometime during late-2006 and early-2007. Very little is known about the album, but it is likely to contain more of the bedroom ballads that made him famous."

" D Block went all out on G Unit with the song "Shots Fired," a song whose chorus recommends murdering 50 Cent and G Unit."

Schools Shootings = Yawn

Recently a number of children and adults have taken to shooting people in schools as a means to protest the growing educational gap between America's and our enemies friends in places like India(?) While none of these incidents are remotely as fucked up as that kid in Queens who got beaten, robbed, stripped naked and pissed on outside of his school a few weeks ago, they seems to have struck a chord with the literate populous.

There was a time, say from 1986-1999, when this trend would have disturbed me. But quite frankly, now that I no longer actually attend school, I would rather these psychopaths contain their violence to these areas. I mean, while I'm not actually rooting for anyone or anyplace to be shot up, if a gunman is going to start killing people, I would appreciate it be someplace like a middle school - you know, a place I'm not likely to frequent. Unless i work up the nerve to visit this 13 year old chick I been talking to on Myspace.

Why exactly are kids shooting up schools?

I don't know, but when they start shooting up public transportation, then I'll put on my thinking cap and go to work on the problem. The moral of the story is, if you don't want to get shot, you probably shouldn't go to school. Or Iraq.

The Truant Officer > Harris and Klebold.

It always irked me that whenever one of this despondent crackers shoots up a school it's all "breaking national news," but when I was in New Orleans there was one (of more than one) school shooting that stood out to be representative of a deeper problem than, I don't know, Mary-Anne not wanting to go to Semi-Formal with some herb in a trench coat.

The shooting detailed below, at a school with metal detectors and police officers, was indicative of what was popping in New Orleans. If I remember correctly, the youthful offenders managed to outsmart the metal detectors by passing the AK-47 through a hole in the fence as if it were floodwater passing through a levee.

As some website summarized.

Apr. 14, 2003: Gunmen armed with an AK-47 rifle and a handgun opened fire in the packed gymnasium of John McDonogh Senior High School in New Orleans. Jonathan Williams, 15, was killed and three girls were wounded in a spray of bullets. It was thought to be a revenge killing for an earlier murder. A loaded handgun was found on the victim. Four suspects were arrested.

--------------------------------

So while this shooting in an Amish schoolhouse is tragic, there is probably nothing we can learn from it -like most school shootings. Whereas the above incident could have served as a pre-Katrina heads-up that New Orleans = gully.

Who is to blame? Not me.

Also to Consider: Are the Amish and the Hasidic Jews actually the same person? I've never seen an Amish person and a Hasidic Jew in the same place at the same time, have you?

The Amish: Hasidic Jews Who Makes Butter.

Hasidic Jews: The Amish Digitally Remastered In Dolby Surround Sound.

Working Women

My head and stomach are both aching and it's Yom Kippur or whathaveyou, so if you're into that shit, enjoy it. Since I alerted you all to the fact that I was going to blue and gold to get drunk on friday, I pretty much stayed drunk all weekend. Now I'm all sweaty and twitchy -I hope you're happy.

At some point last week I stated that more women working lead to the decline of American society, which I kinda stand by. Slate, it seems, has jumped on the bandwagon.  http://www.slate.com/id/2150391/?nav=tap3

Yanks playoffs start on Tuesday. Should be niiiiiiiiiiiiice. Oh, and some Amish kids got shot, whatever that's worth.

Friday

You guys suck, I'm going to blue and gold to get bevvied to the max. See you on Monday.

Go Saints, Go Yankees!!

Hurray for life!

Suicide Solution

When I'm not busy entertaining you ass-clowns (for free, mind you) on the Internet with my unique brand of moral purity, I can frequently be found drinking beer and attempting to drive my friends to suicide.

"Why would you try to drive your friends to suicide, James"  is a question one might ponder, if on had a predilection for such internalized reflection.

Well, Shitfucko - your friends are much more likely than strangers to include you in their wills, hence the assumed financial benefit of their untimely demise. Also I'm kinda just a cunt like that. If you don't have tough skin, we're prolly not going to get along. Unless you are a girl, whereas if you don't have smooth skin, I'm prolly not gonna want to touch. But, as always, I digress.

You can imagine my suprize when, returning home to take off my suit jacket and tie this morning, I turned on the news and was confronted by some bootleg-ass Wolf Blitzer looking muh'fucka reporting that none other than Terrell "T.O." Owens had attempted to commit suicide. I'm assuming that my readers "all" know who T.O. is, but as a quick refresher; he is a 10th year wide receiver and one of the more outspoken players in the league. He was acquired by the Cowboys this off-season after making a nuisance of himself in Philadelphia.  It is worth noting that he broke his finger in the Cowboys last game a week and a half ago. Also, when he was on the San Fransisco 49er's, he repeatedly said that Jeff Garcia was gay. Which was hysterical. (BTW I've noted what a piss-poor lead in and transition this blog post has.)

Some of you granola-eating liberal types out there may try and blame this on "media scrutiny" and talk about how young kids are placed in the spotlight and held up to there ridiculous expectations and whatnot. "Oh my god imagine the pressure" -they might say, in between sips of soy milk. Well cry me a river, build yourself a boat, go sailing and drown. That shit is not cleared for takeoff and hence DOES NOT FLY.

If you are a soft-spoken, humble person and life gets so difficult that you have to, say take 35 pain-killers (still 3 shy of my personal record) in an attempt to make the voices stop for good, I may only mock you in conversations in group settings. But when an ass-clown like T.O. tries to kill himself, he's getting mocked on the Internet son! Nothing says failure like failing to end your life. On the internet; Forrreal.

I mean, dying is some easy muh'fucking shit to do. People die by accident all the time. Sheeeeeeeet, some people spend their whole lives trying to stave off the big sleep and they still die. You're telling me a professional athlete couldn't even handle ending it all? Is there a reading comprehension component of suicide I'm unaware of. Was this muh'fucka academically ineligible for suicide or some shit?

And, just so I don't seem heartless, I want it to be perfectly clear that I would be much more concerned about T.O.'s well being and recovery if he was on my Fantasy Football team. So that's me, putting the "man" back in "humanitarian."

Catching Up.

Hey yo!

So firstoff thanks to all y'all everyones who came out to the show on Friday.. despite the extended waiting and whatnot, I think it came off pretty well. The new album is shaping up nicely, although we haven't really started recording or anything serious like that per se, all the songs we've been doing live have been getting a nice response from the audience. So again, if you came through -thanks. If you didn't, well we'll (wordplay, son) be playing our Halloween Holocaust show on October 28th in the times square area. So, I'll be yelling about that as the date approaches.

Front092306 Ahhh, now I remember what I wanted to write about... Did y'all happen to catch the tragic story of how a this drunken NYPD officer was driving with one of her (not a typo, she was all vaginaed out and shit) fellow female rookie officer, when girl A drove into a light-post (or something equally hard) and killed girl B.

While I generally feel nothing when a pig dies, I was conflicted as to how to react to this story. I mean, I like women and I don't really associate them with police officers. Generally when someone says "police" it conjures up the image of some overweight alcoholic Michelob wearing a Jets jersey and sweating profusely -hence the hatred on my part. However the young ladies involved in the tragic accident were both in their early 20's and didn't seem to have any love for the Jets. And while the NYPD has proved that they allow and possibly encourage their officers to drive drunk, (to hilarious results) this story just feels different because those involved are female.

And if you didn't know where I'm going with this, what I mean to say is should females really be allowed to be police officers? I know we have a canine unit that allows female dogs and all, but I think it's a little silly to extend gender equality to police officers of all species.

I'll now offer some anecdotal evidence under the guise of concrete statistical proof.

The only time I ever had any dealings with a female officer was in Jefferson Parish, Louisiana. One of my homies and I had been walking towards the off-street parking of a long-abandoned warehouse to, uh, donate to charity. As we approached, a police car with a one male officer and one female officer was driving out of the area. I'll give the woman some credit and say that it appeared obvious that they were in such a secluded area because they were having sex (although I'm sure she was blowing him) and understandably, were startled to see us.

After immediately stopping us, the female lady officers line of questioning was laughable -and after I repeatedly outsmarted her, she needed the male cop to take over. To his credit, he immediately handcuffed me, made me kneel in gravel with my face pressed against the hood of the cop car and made numerous threats against my physical well being while emptying the contents of my pockets onto the ground. After I was eventually released and subsequently banned from Jefferson Parish I reflected on how if there were just two male police officers on the scene, the overwhelming threat of physical violence against my person would have likely compelled me to into admitting that I had, indeed entered the parking area with the intention of donating to charity. However, since the female officer was clearly more proficient in administering sucky-sucky than policework, I wasn't even arrested.

As an aside, it could be said that most of the damage sustained by Jefferson Parish during Hurricane Katrina was a direct result of God's anger at my being mistreated at the hands of their police. The lesson is two-fold: Female cops are shitty and more likely to perform fellatio than make an arrest and if you fuck with me, God will getcha.

In another blog, perhaps authored at my leisure, I'll attempt to prove that there is a direct correlation between women becoming career-oriented and the decline of American society. Shit, I may even make up some statistics. And I know correlation equals not causation, so don't try and be a smartass and point it out. I got a muh'fucking B- in Statistical Analysis.

Also to consider: With the Saints returning to the Superdome this evening in what will be an emotional moment for those in New Orleans and around the United States, do we really need U2 and Green Day to perform? 

With all the great jazz musicians in New Orleans, did (whoever the fuck) really need to reach out to U2?

Reflections on the 4th of July

I had initially posted this on my secret blog, which you don't even know about because we aren't cool like that, now are we?

But in retrospect (the best 'sepct this side of " female lack of self-re") I don't have a secret blog and it's not like anyone still checks friendster (myspace won). Besides, coming up with shit to write about isn't as easy as, say drinking lots of beer and falling down.

I would like to point out, before I bring you back to two months ago, that for the last week and a half the area around where I work has been decidedly fucked up -first because of fashion week and most recently because of all the heads from OT at the UN. Honestly, could we not have just combined these events and saved a lot of police overtime. Foresight isn't just a fancy word for a kid with glasses.

ANYWAY.

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So, having just woke up from the 4th of July, I figured I would jot down some quick notes about what occurred as a preventative measure against becoming too optimistic that shit would pop next year.

First off, let me say that the whole NYPDeuche campaign against illegal fireworks was a complete fucking waste of everyones time. At least out in Asstoria where I was, people were shooting shit off all day and especially during the Macy's fireworks display, which seemed to be especially wack this year. The collection of Arabic people blasting their Arabic music at an audible volume didn't help anything at all.

Anyway, the real highlight of the day for me (and any other decent God fearing person) was the Italy-Germany game, or Jesus V. Nazi's as I looked at it. Despite the two teams being fairly evenly matched, Italy came through in the waning seconds of overtime for a beautiful goal and then added the (demoralizing) icing on the cake about a minute later to send the Germans back to Germany (ha!). At the very least, shit didn't go into penalty kicks, which makes no sense. It's not like they play three extra innings in baseball and then have a homerun derby if the score is still tied. What a hell of an analogy!

Back to the point, shit was popping in Rome like whoa, and I need to look into where I can acquire a blue flare before the final match on Sunday.

Alas, unlike the bullshit Macy's fireworks display, I will not have the world cup to look forward to next year.

Men Should Act Like Men

So, you know, in between leaping tall buildings in a single bound and being a multi-platinum R&B singer I occasionally find time to watch television.

There is this one series of commercials for "Milwalkee's Best Light" (which I guess people in rural areas and frat-tastic dudes refer to as "beast light" -ahh the word play of idiots) wherein a group of dudes will be standing around doing something like playing poker. Then, when one of them commits a faux pas, like leaving the table to call their girlfriend, a giant can of Milwalkee's Best Light falls out of the sky and lands on them, presumably killing them on the spot.

While I'm surely not trying to sanction any behavior that would fall under the category of Fruitcake Shit (no offense) I do think that these commercials are pretty ridiculous in terms of ascribing old-fashioned gender roles to dudes. I mean, in one of the spots a guy is seen doing "baby talk" to a small dog. Then a large can of Milwalkees Best Light falls from the heavens above and lands on him, presumanbly killing him. The voiceover than informs us that "Men should act like men, AND light beer should taste like beer." Are we to believe that if the unwitting animal-loving male had been more "masculine" he would have kicked the dog in the face, thuis avoiding his aluminum death? I'm just a little unclear on this. Are you asking me to go kill dogs, or what?

And also, c'mon Milwalkees Best Light. Your beer tastes like watered down water. If I was running their ad campaign I would have come up with something a little more accurate to market the product. Such as:

"Milwalkees Best Light: If Coors has too much flavor."

"Milwalkees Best Light: Free 6-pack if you know what state Milwakee is in."

"Milwalkees Best Light: Drink it right out of the can."

"Millwalkees Best Light: Mets fans have herpes."

Whereas their current ad campaign can be summed up as: "Miwalkeees Best Light, if you do anything the brewers consider to be effeminate, it will fall from the sky and kill you on the spot." Shit, I imagine a generation of beer drinkers who are so busy looking up that they hardly even have time to get drunk anymore.

What this your intention, Miller Brewing Company? I think not.

The Internet

Summary: I talk about the Internet.

The Internet is an important part of todays society -however a decade or so ago, the Internet wasn't that important unless you wanted to go into chatrooms, it. I remember thinking the other day that the Internet was important for a lot of practical reasons (looking shit up, keeping in touch, masturbation aides, etc.) but also for general recreational purposes - it kinda serves as "super TV."

While I was smoking a cigarette (and giving women a reason to wear makeup and stay in shape) the other day I realized that the Internet blew up without any clever marketing schemes or anything like that. While it is worth noting that not a daigo by that I don't see some ridiculous facts from the Peanut Farmers of America (if that's even their REAL name) on the train urging me to eat peanuts, less I die afraid and alone.

So I got to thinking, how would I market the Internet if it was my account. I try to always think like I'm at a job interview these days, and I'm making more of an effort to use small words, speak slowly and try to smile -just as a general aside.

Anyways, so here were my slogans.

"The Internet, it's whats for dinner."

"The Internet - now in color."

"The Internet -where everybody knows your name."

"The Internet -more perverts than Thailand. (More 12 year-old boys to have sex with too.)"

"The Internet - coming to a computer near you."

Anyway, I'm off to see the wizard, assuming that the wizard is a six-pack of Budweiser. Here is a photograph of me at Dr. Boogie's wedding proving beyond a reasonable doubt that I do in fact drink beer. I like how amused with myself I look. You gotta amuse yourself. And voting is important too. That's me, teaching y'all how to live life. Go Saints! Go Yankees! Go-Go-Gadget!

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Wave At This, Bitch

Last night while in attendance at the Yankees game I had a few realizations. The first one was that I no longer really liked going to Yankees games, because it's just a bunch of OT motherfuckers with their children playing "lets hold hands and act real polite," shit costs mad money and I can't even smoke cigarettes. That said, this was my 9Th Yankees game of the season (they were 8-1 while I was there) and the most disturbing trend I noticed this year was that people in Yankee stadium have started to do the wave. Like it's their fucking job.

Once upon a time when men were men and if the wave would get started up at Yankee stadium it would be greeted with jeers and a bunch of drunken lunatics screaming to "take that shit back to Shea." Last night this white trash looking slut in a Florida sweatshirt and her horse-faced friend (who could stand to lose a score or two, weight-wise) were able to start a wave so successful that it went around the stadium more than once. I'm not trying to get placed on a terrorist watch-list here, but a casual observer of the situation at the stadium couldn't help but conclude that the people there all deserved to die.

Briefly I thought that things were returning to normal when a loud ruckus started in the bleachers - once a rite of passage for boys on the road to manhood, now the equivalent of a highway rest stop near Frisco - but I was horrified when I noticed that they were cheering for the wave. I wanted to scream "are you all out of your fucking minds" but there were little kids sitting in front of me and I was raised better than that.

Have we sunk so low that we have to adopt a tradition from the Mets, our fairer-sexed crosstown rivals?

Also, have you ever noticed how all Mets fans have Herpes? In case you didn't know they got it from doing the wave. The wave spreads Herpes. If you are a Mets fan and you have Herpes, you got it from doing the wave.

If you'll excuse my poor, rushed writing I'll forgive you your trespasses. Deal?

Football: God With A Ball

Salexander_134 Ayo!

I just wanted to point out that Football rules the United States with an iron fist. Football employs more people than GM, McDonald's and the Post Office combined. Football is older than the bible and has been translated into twice as many languages. Football transcends race, religion, country and everything (except perhaps gender -ahem, female sideline reporters babbling on and on and seducing Broadway Joe). It could be said that football, and not the wheel or whatever else people are all rah-rah about these days is actually mans greatest accomplishment.

While football never once got me high or gave me a blowjob, I'm still as fond of it as fond can be. And that's just swell! Football is a means of making the transition between the incredible summer and the horrible winter go smoothly. Football allows you to drink all day on Sunday without feeling like an alcoholic. Football gives hope to hopeless men and money to poor people. Football cures diseases and negotiates nuclear non-proliferation treaties. Football never stole your girlfriend and never would. Football always wants to stay out for another half hour on a weeknight. When Football fought the law, Football won.

So, there's me, blocked booked on Sundays through New Years.

In other news, Baseball doesn't suck either.

And I'm also fond of Horse Racing, Boxing and World Cup soccer.

Twice in a row when I bowled in a large group of people, I had the highest score. I really like bowling too, but it's not like you could catch me watching it on TV.

And I also recently bet $20 that I could beat one of my boys in golf, even though I've never golfed an entire 18 (or even 9) holes. I just have faith in myself like that.

Have a nice Monday Night!

No Child Left Behind

I'll go into further detail about this at a later date (read: never), but doesn't the concept of No Child Left behind seem communist in nature (not unlike All Dogs Go To Heaven)? I mean, the way a capitalist society is stratified, some children need to be left behind -less we have Rhodes Scholars working at McDonald's. The program should be renamed "Some Children Left Behind" or even "Most Children Left Behind." Besides, who needs an education, everyone can be a star on youtube and/or in their own mind. James Rox, reforming education in one sweeping gesture of my regal wrist.

Also to consider: Wasn't the Yankees total destruction of the Red Sox last weekend basically the hottest shit this side of summertime in Africa? That's a rhetorical question, child size -it doesn't need answering.

Tip of the day: Ice cream melts.

Middle East

200pxecstacy_monogram You may have thought I abandoned you, loyal readers, to the pit of snakes that is the rest of these hack journalists on the Internets, but no- I ain't going nowhere like Middle East peace talks. In light of recent events between Israel, Palestine, Hamas and Hezz(wanna be a)balla -I felt as I should probably suggest some sort of short term solution before anymore people (read children and bangable women) died.

Why doesn't the US lace the water supply of the entire region with Ecstasy?

I mean it's not as though these people are so cultured that they drink bottled water, right (not to imply bottled water is the 2006 equivalent of going to the opera or whatever)? Right. So we lace their water supply, do a fly over, drop a couple hundred energy balls and play some "hard house" and before you know it, both Arabs and Jews alike will be hopping around like happy little elves and forgetting what this silly (and ancient) beef is all about.

And to think i got kicked out of the UN club in HS for giving the audience the finger at a talent show.

Unfuckingreal.

ITALIA, ETC.

Hello there countrymen and ethnically inferior others. I'm sure you've all heard by now, but just in case you didn't ITALIA, ITALIA, ITALIA.

Never having really been religious, the thrilling victory over the French yesterday seemed like confirmation that God did exist and he loved me. While I suppose that I was already keenly aware that God loved me, (I was born healthy, intelligent and good looking in New York City and not sickly, stupid and ugly in Iraq) I had been wondering why my path in life was filled with so many obstacles (see the Yankees losing the 2001 world series, my inability to play poker well no matter how hard I try, never being able to dunk a basketball and others). Well God, it was all worth it.

The rest of you can commence bowing to my flag. No disrespect to America.

Also, as my astute readers may have noticed I haven;t been posting as regularly on this blog due to changes in the structure of my employment. I was however recently given an account on this shit called "Vox" where I have posted a couple of times and intend to continue doing so. If you want to come check it out, feel free. I mean can one ever really belong to enough social networking websites?

The link is below. I haven't done a whole lot of posting there just yet, but as I said I intend to.

http://saidthebeautifulman.vox.com

Until then, drink heavily and remember to eat something,

ROX ONERISM

Soccer And America

So during the World Cup (or the Copa Mundial as my Latin friends call it), the stark differences between the United States and the rest of the world (or the Mundial as my Latin friends call it) has become increasingly clear to me. I'm not really basing this on much other than what "Hondo" (the guy in the NY Post who makes "wagers") has to say, however many American, specifically the younger generation, seem to be unable to grasp how amazing and beautiful a game soccer is. And it pisses me off.

It seems as though our ADD-ed out, "I want it now" culture has completely warped our perspectives to the point where a complete non-sport like basketball (if you like basketball, you should really throw yourself headfirst into the nearest fire. 3 points if you do it from more than 6 feet away.) is able to captivate the minds of children all over the country (and, not to be biases I recognize that basketball is increasingly popular in Europe, but they are a bunch of followers anyway. No disrespect to European women.) simply because there is a lot of scoring. However the drama and tension of a soccer game seems to be completely beyond the comprehension of your average American.

My point is, if you don't appreciate soccer (and I'm not talking about MLS here) on the highest level, as it is played in the World Cup (I'm not going to make the same joke three times in the same blog) maybe you should up your dosage of adderrall, spend four years sitting around reading books and having in-depth conversations on one topic that last more than twenty minutes and then try again. You fucking moron.

FORZA ITALIA!!